January 04, 2014

Six hundred and eighty two percent

Jill Fine - Scott's Emusion

The new Ulta catalog came in today’s mail. A $3.50 coupon…hooray! That’s the limit of my excitement, though. I never read the Ulta catalog because:
(a) I don’t really care much about make-up
(b) I don’t have the brain space to read about all of the replenishing creams and magic age defying ointments

They’re reading over my shoulder. “You DO care about make-up, Mommy, that’s not true.” Ok, maybe I do, but not beyond the products I already use and I don’t feel any need to look at them in catalogs. Other than the coupon, Ulta can save themselves the postage in my case.

BUT…today I had a little time on my hands so I actually read the product descriptions. Some of them are award winners!

Here are my top three snake-oil salesman’s finest picks:

1. Perricone MD Cold Plasma

“A revolutionary anti-aging product represents Dr. Perricone's most comprehensive research to date and is the result of five years of development. Through Dr. Perricone's patented delivery system, Cold Plasma offers the skin all it needs for optimal health. Cold Plasma helps correct the ten most visible signs of aging: wrinkles, enlarged pores, dryness, redness, discoloration, uneven skin tone, impurities, loss of firmness, loss of smoothness and loss of radiance. Whatever your age or skin type, Cold Plasma delivers extraordinary results.
Benefits include:

  • Suitable for all skin types.
  • Repairs and nourishes the skin.
  • Delivers optimum cellular nutrition to achieve healthy, glowing and youthful skin.
  • Lifts and firms skin with DMAE.
  • Brighten skin's appearance.
  • Free of parabens, sulfates, synthetic fragrances and dyes.

    Consumer Study Results:
    4 week study for women 20-65 years of age.
  • 99% reported that their skin was soft and smooth.
  • 94% said they liked the results and felt it provided for their skincare needs.
  • 92% reported that their skin looked radiant and healthy.
  • 91% felt that their skin was infused with moisture.”
  • 2. StriVectin-TL Tightening Neck Cream

    “The Future of Anti-Aging. Strivectin started a goal. Create the most effective age-fighting product ever. So they powered up the original StriVectin with even more potent collagen-boosting peptides and re-engineered the formula with NIA-114. Discovered in DNA skin cancer research, NIA-114 accelerates the rebuilding of skin layers. Proven in Clinical Trials. And in your mirror. Strivectin's research was conducted under rigorous scientific standards. The result? Multiple patents, proven and documented in years of clinical trials. But the only results that matter to Strivectin are yours. So try it You'll see the future of anti-aging: healthy-looking, younger-looking skin. And skin that gets better and better”

    3. SeroVital-hgh (my favorite)

    “Optimum growth hormone levels have been associated with wrinkle reduction, tightening saggy skin, decreased body fat, increased lean muscle mass, stronger bones, improved mood, heightened sex drive, and making users look and feel decades - not years, but DECADES - younger.
    SeroVital-hgh is the first and only clinically proven hGH booster to increase mean, endogenous, serum (blood) growth hormone levels by 682% in both men and women of an appropriately wide age range.”

    Six hundred and eighty two percent? WOW!! That sure is a lot of percent! And can my neck really get tighter? Well, SIGN ME UP!

    Cue: Danny Kaye:

    Inspector General